Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Self Checkout is a Simmering Hellhole

  Nobody likes self checkout. Ok. Blanket statement. I am sure there some people out there who LOVE self checkout. Good for them. I bet they don't have to manage one. They might not have ever even used one before. Self checkout is one of those things that looks GREAT on paper.

  And then the human element steps in and everything goes to shit.

  When my work installed the self checkout, it was a big deal. They shunted over several aisles, tore down 4 registers, and built this shiny new wave of the future. 4 self serve registers all shiny and stainless steel. Some of us got training on it. Others didn't. I was not a cashier when ours was installed. But I eventually went to being a cashier. I got to figure things out on my own, harassing my superiors whenever I got stuck. Fun stuff. Think those things are impossible to work with? Imagine having to be the person who has to make it work.

  For those of us who are unfamiliar with self checkouts:

  They usually come in groups of 4. There is usually a remote station or a podium or something nearby that an employee is supposed to attend to.They usually consist of a scanner, a weight sensitive bagging area, a place to pay, a place for change, and a receipt dispenser.

  The idea is that you can go up to the register, scan your own items one at a time, placing each on in the bagging area quickly, but not too quickly and repeat. Pay when done, get your items, and be on your way, having not had to deal with a retail slave beast or in theory, wait in a line.

  Yeah. This almost never happens. Customers don't follow instructions. The machines malfunction. Items are missing barcodes. It was supposed to be cheaper. Someone might try to bring a massive item like a dresser through self checkout. It might get set to spanish and you don't speak spanish. So yeah. There is a lot of room for things to go wrong.

Of course there is supposed to be an attendant there to ensure the machines are working, but sometimes they disappear.

Here is what they deal with.

Mechanical Errors/Frustrations

  *The Bagging Area. Well. You scan your item and you put it in a bag. The computer loses her mind and says "UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA". So you, in a panic, pull the item out of the bag. She says "ITEM REMOVED FROM BAGGING AREA." Or you put your item in the bag, and it says "PLEASE PUT YOUR ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA" so you rattle it around and she repeats herself so you hit "skip bagging" and she loses her mind "UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA". So you get to find an attendant to fix this shit so you can move on.

The fact that I found this on a google image search so easily speaks volumes.

  *Other Languages. Everyone is different and this is mostly wonderful. It would be boring if we were all the same. There is a setting on some self checkouts that allows you to pick a language to use. Some of them will let you choose freely throughout the transactions (going from english to spanish to mandarin for example), others are set for the duration (you choose spanish, it's in spanish through the whole transaction). So if a customer chooses Mandarin as their language, I can't help them. Everything on the screen will be in Mandarin. You have to try to figure out which buttons are in the places things are when you can read the screen and hope for the best. You have no idea what is going wrong or what the customer needs. The customer will invariably just stare at you and expect you to fix it.
These all literally say, "can you read this." Just sit there for a moment and admire how pretty some of those characters are. Now imagine staring at a self checkout screen trying to figure out what is wrong and all you see is the 7th line down, which is Hindi by the way. Of course, I honestly have no idea what they all say. I'm trusting google translate on this one.
  *There is no such thing as a standard self checkout. Yeah. They are all different. They vary wildly from company to company. They might even vary from store to store. Customers usually don't understand this. They will stand there and bellow about how it's different at the Walmarts and why can't it be the same everywhere. Trust me, if the person running the self checkout had any power to influence the type of units there, they would not be running the self checkout. They hate it more than you do.

  *Things always go wrong. Every time they reprogram the units I get to figure out how they're going to break now. They might fix 1 bug, but 12 more pop up. Coupons used to freeze the terminals at my work. We're talking about full system restart frozen. One of the units I've worked with had a laser that would randomly cut off, be off for an hour or two, then come back on for a while, before arbitrarily shutting off again. The scales break--in the most infuriating ways. You could put a 40lb bag of bird seed on the scale and it wouldn't catch the weight, but god forbid you set your wallet down on the scale for a second and the machine loses its mind! This doesn't even touch on human error.

  *No one can listen to or follow directions. For every time a machine is legitimately broken, there are ten or more instances of users (customers and sometimes employees) having issues because they don't listen to the machine say "enter cash now or press pay with card". They want to pay with cash, but they don't listen OR read so they press "pay with card", then select cash again, to be told "enter cash now or press pay with card". Depending on how stupid the customer (or employee!!!) might be, they might go through this three or more times before they realize they're being stupid and just put their fucking money in, or they might go off on the attendant. Some of them see that first screen of "enter cash now or press pay with card" and will either snarl or wail at you "but I want to pay with cash!!!" I have been cussed out more times than I can remember over just this one thing.

  The place where you insert your credit card has an image of the credit card (or debit card) on the part where the card goes in. It shows you how your card is supposed to look. If there is a black stripe on the picture of the card on the right, that means your card goes in black stripe facing up and to the right. If it has numbers and words on it that have the text correct side up to the left, the card goes in with the number side up and the lettering facing to the left. THIS IS NOT HARD. We've been taught to match things since we were in kindergarten (or younger!) so why do people struggle with this? What, when confronted with the self checkout machines, makes people turn off their brains???

  Ok. For countries that don't have sales tax, disregard this one.
  When you scan an item, it tells you the price. If you scan multiple items it will tell you the subtotal. The screen says subtotal. It might even go so far as to say "price does not reflect sales tax" or "price shown is before sales tax". So, we get our customers who come in with their glasses on a string and their little change purse possibly pulled from their ever so hip fanny packs (or gods help you, a ziplock bag), and they very carefully count out exact change.

WONDERFUL. GOOD FOR YOU.

  They insert their "exact change" into the machine (maybe they even bypassed the dreaded "insert cash now or press pay with card" trap) and then stand there and stare at the attendant. They may even demand to know where their receipt is. Some of them will very angrily or petulantly say "EXCUSE ME! I PAID $11.07 AND IT'S NOT GIVING ME BACK MY CHANGE/RECEIPT!" When the attendant goes over to the machine, the machine will still read "balance due $0.66" and will still be saying "Please insert cash or press pay with card" every 15 seconds until the sun dims and the world is sucked into a black hole.

  At this point the customer is already upset and self righteous. You cannot win. They will either be initially embarrassed and then sheepish when you point out that they still owe the 66 cents of sales tax or they will be embarrassed and enraged, or they might just outright refuse to listen or understand. Then you get to try to politely convince the customer that they still owe the machine money while the person is convinced you are trying to steal 66 cents from them. Again, I have personally been cussed out in English, Spanish, and what I think was Korean over this. At times, I have been tempted to just GIVE THEM THE MONEY and put it in the machine to make them shut up. Even after I convince them (because the machine is not going to spit out a receipt until the items are FULLY paid for) I have to go over the receipt with them to reassure them that no, neither the store, the machine, nor I have stolen 66 cents from them. Sometimes, what has to be done, is for the money to all be refunded and it to go back to the original screen where I show them that it says "price does not reflect sales tax" and subtotal and then the final screen where it says the Total and even shows the 66 cents in fucking sales tax.

I would like to point out an interesting phenomenon at this moment about the self checkout machines:
  Children do not have these problems. Children under the age of 14 or so who are able to read and speak the same language as the machine is displaying/speaking are able to figure out how much to pay, how to pay, when to put items in the bagging area, how to input any information the machine needs, everything. Truly, children are our future--until they turn 15 or so.

  *The machine will not take nasty money. Sometimes this is as simple as a corner is folded over on one part of the bill and you can fix that by unfolding the corner and trying again. However, if the bill is torn, ripped, taped up, encrusted with candy or gods knows what, half missing, burned with a cigarette, sharpied to illegibility, FAKE, etc the machine will not accept it. I cannot make it accept it, the manager cannot make it accept it. A kind and benevolent god would know what you did with that money to make it so nasty and probably would accept it and maybe even forgive you, but you'd feel bad about yourself afterwards.

  If the money comes out of your sweaty stinky corn chip smelling sock soggy and almost dripping, DO NOT EVEN TRY to make it work. It isn't. Don't give it to me. I hate to say this, but you sir, need to go to a real register and hand that money to a real person. I am not a real person. I run self checkout. I turn in my humanity card when I clock in for work each day. This goes for wet money coming out of sweaty crotch and ass pockets. If it's soggy then it will not work. If it comes from your bra and you've been sweating and the money is a wee bit damp but still smells baby powder fresh, too bad. It will not work. Plus, this is really gross. Everyone who handles that money while it is damp is silently dying of horror inside.

  MONEY IS NASTY, PEOPLE. Don't put it in your mouth, wash your hands after touching it, and for gods sake, DO NOT LET YOUR INFANT HANDLE MONEY.

Things Customers Do
   *"I hate self checkout. I hate _insert store name here_. And I hate you." This has been said to me. Twice. By different people. Both were men though. No one likes self checkout. The attendant hates it more than any customer does.

  *Each customer wants either individual attention or for you to leave them the fuck alone. Yes, I am here to help, but you are not entitled to 100% of my attention if all 4 units are occupied and they also need help. I will help you through your spot of trouble, then I must help the others. If you don't want my help, that's fine. Unless you NEED my help. If you get stuck and cannot figure out what to do, or it needs my authorization, being rude and hostile at me is not going to erase the fact that you couldn't run the self checkout all by yourself. Grow up. Let me do my job.

  *Some customers expect you to drop whatever you are doing and ring their purchase up on a real register. Oh my god. Say "YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED SOMETHING TO DO!" one more time. I SWEAR TO KALI I WILL BE DELIVERED FROM THIS AND AVENGED. If you say this while my arms are overflowing with chips, candy, batteries, or sodas, you are a fucking douche bag. I have something to do. It's my job to make sure self checkout doesn't up and fucking break. This also goes for people who say this to regular cashiers on real registers. "Oh ha. ha. ha. You are SO clever sir!"

  *Customers who walk up to you without saying a word and shove a armful, basketful, or cartful of product at you expectantly. I usually just look at them like "huh?" (Never underestimate the power of acting stupid. It gets you into far less trouble than open defiance). Then, if they don't get the hint, I'll say, "Oh, Self Checkout Units 2 and 3 are open. Let me know if they give you any touble!" Big Smile!

  *Price Disputes. "How much is this?" *beep* "49.97". "No! It was cheaper than that. The sign said it was 9.99" right. Sure it was. I am going to call someone from that department to verify. I am *not* going to take your word for it. This does several things:
     1.) It keeps customers from lying and naming a price they like
     2.) Holds up one of the units, possibly creating a line (this is bad)
     3.) Stops someone from that department from working on whatever they were working on (also bad)
     4.) Ensures that if the customer was right, the price gets changed so this doesn't happen again. Mislabeling is not the customer's fault--I understand this because I buy things too. Prices go down for specials and the tags never get changed back. It happens. Sometimes, employees might accidentally stock something in the wrong slot. Again, not the customer's fault. But sometimes, people steal. Sometimes, people lie. Sometimes, people make an honest mistake and read the shelf wrong. It's not my job to judge them (and I really do try my best not to), it's my job to make sure they make it alive through self checkout.

  *Customers using the machines as price checkers holds up the flow of commerce. *Scans item* "Beep! 14.97" *Walks away*. It takes 6 steps to cancel the transaction and clear it for the next customer. DON'T DO THIS. Plus, if we are distracted by another customer, we have no way of knowing whether or not the person who scanned the item went on to walk out the door with it or not. Do you really want security following your progress through the store on the cameras? If you need a price, ASK. Or better yet, just read the fucking price label that goes with the goddamn item.

  *Let their kids play with the machines. Do you realize how much one of these things costs? Around $20,000 dollars each. Yeah. That's the equivalent of TWO nice used cars. Probably more than the attendant makes in a year (we are a degraded people). Don't think they can't hurt them. Those things already have a tenuous grip on functionality at the best of times. The slightest error sends them careening over the edge into "OUT OF ORDER" territory. Moreover, that line behind you? Yeah, they can't use that machine until the attendant clears whatever your spawn has done to this machine. You are wasting other peoples time. You are making their venture into this retail hellhole that much more unpleasant. Children are our future. You don't want to be the parent who's kid presses the self destruct button years down the line because you never taught kiddo to keep his or her hands to him/herself.

  *Steal. Yeah, you want me to go away. The machine is *weight sensitive*. Don't get angry when I come over there to see why the machine is flashing red. That's my job. Don't get angry when I count the number of items in your bag vs the number of items scanned. If you have an expensive looking watch in the bag but none of your items are ringing up more than $10, I'm going to know something is up. Why even bother stealing through self checkout anyway? Don't you have pockets or some shit? You are just making things awkward for me. Quit it.

  *Bring large items (i.e. couches, refridgerators, TVs) through self checkout. I hope you can pick that up because I sure can't. My particular store does not have a scan gun for self checkout. This means that your large item? That new mattress you just had to have? Yeah, it either has to be lifted up to the scanner to be scanned, or I have to manually type in the UPC. This wastes everyone's time. By the time I finish typing in the UPC, you could have already been out at your car trying to force this kingsize mattress on top of your kia sorrento. Go to a real register.

  *Bring overflowing buggies of product through self checkout like that's going to make their trip faster.  A lot of places that operate self checkouts have a ___ items or fewer sign over the self checkouts. This is for EVERYONES convenience. It is going to take you forever to scan each and every item. The self checkout bagging area is NOT large enough to accommodate all the shit you are buying. There are people waiting in line behind you with 2 or 3 things and they are looking at your cart with feelings of hate. So, even if the place does not have a item limit placed on the self checkouts, a good rule of thumb is 15 items MAXIMUM. 15 items is a lot of crap. It takes approximately 30-40 seconds to complete scanning each item through the self checkout. This includes waiting for it to register the item being bagged so you can scan the next one and finding the stupid barcode to scan in the first place. This does not include the time it takes to make the self checkout stop being insane over the item being or not being in the bagging area. This means it is taking you at least 8 minutes to check out with those 15 items. A regular cashier will do this so much faster for you (usually). So please, especially if you are in a hurry, consider how long it is going to take you to ring yourself up, and be considerate of the people who only have 1-2 things to ring up.

  *Write checks. Really???? REALLY??? What do you hope to do with that? I'd have to say everyone gets a pass at doing this ONCE. After it doesn't work the first time and your transaction is suspended and you are taken to the overseer's station (whatever they call it at that particular store) to finish your transaction, you should know better than to try writing another check for self checkout again. If you must write a check (for a REGULAR REGISTER), first, before you get in line, make sure you have the date, name of the store, and "for" line filled out. This way, by the time you get your total, half the check is already written. Second, do not get in the ___ items or fewer line. Everyone will hate you. Third, don't even DARE to try to write a check if you do not have a state issued drivers license or ID. You are wasting everyones time.

What the Attendant is Supposed to Do
  *Monitor multiple registers at once . I've seen up to six units to an attendant. I'm sure they're pushing the envelope though to force one person to do more and more work.
  *Make sure shit works. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Sometimes. I guess.
  *Make sure people pay for everything. I get to remind people to pay all the time. The ones who get angry about it are the dishonest ones. Yeah, you. Mr. Douchey McFuckface. I know you are only angry because it never was your intention to pay for those bananas.
  *Verify age. I know that in California they either are trying to, or have passed a law stating that alcoholic beverages cannot be sold at a self checkout. I don't live in California and I've never tried to ring alcohol up through a self checkout. The place I work does not sell alcohol so I have no idea if this is a widespread thing. I imagine cigarettes are thing that can't be bought at a self checkout. However, things like certain spray paints, machetes, glues, solvents, etc can be bought through self checkout and the self checkout will pause for the attendant to verify the age of the customer. I take special joy in asking the most venerable of customers if they are over the age of 18. I love the looks of incredulity they give me. Plus, it brightens some of their days. Then they can brag at the senior center or bingo or whatever it is old people do with their time that they got carded at the store.
  *Slowly die inside. Every day, just a little bit. You can only hear "unexpected item in the bagging area" so many times before your mind breaks. Sisyphus

And because Tamil is such a gorgeous language, here is
"Please place item in bagging area." according to google translate.