Self Checkout is a Simmering Hellhole

  Nobody likes self checkout. Ok. Blanket statement. I am sure there some people out there who LOVE self checkout. Good for them. I bet they don't have to manage one. They might not have ever even used one before. Self checkout is one of those things that looks GREAT on paper.

  And then the human element steps in and everything goes to shit.

  When my work installed the self checkout, it was a big deal. They shunted over several aisles, tore down 4 registers, and built this shiny new wave of the future. 4 self serve registers all shiny and stainless steel. Some of us got training on it. Others didn't. I was not a cashier when ours was installed. But I eventually went to being a cashier. I got to figure things out on my own, harassing my superiors whenever I got stuck. Fun stuff. Think those things are impossible to work with? Imagine having to be the person who has to make it work.

  For those of us who are unfamiliar with self checkouts:

  They usually come in groups of 4. There is usually a remote station or a podium or something nearby that an employee is supposed to attend to.They usually consist of a scanner, a weight sensitive bagging area, a place to pay, a place for change, and a receipt dispenser.

  The idea is that you can go up to the register, scan your own items one at a time, placing each on in the bagging area quickly, but not too quickly and repeat. Pay when done, get your items, and be on your way, having not had to deal with a retail slave beast or in theory, wait in a line.

  Yeah. This almost never happens. Customers don't follow instructions. The machines malfunction. Items are missing barcodes. It was supposed to be cheaper. Someone might try to bring a massive item like a dresser through self checkout. It might get set to spanish and you don't speak spanish. So yeah. There is a lot of room for things to go wrong.

Of course there is supposed to be an attendant there to ensure the machines are working, but sometimes they disappear.

Here is what they deal with.

Mechanical Errors/Frustrations

  *The Bagging Area. Well. You scan your item and you put it in a bag. The computer loses her mind and says "UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA". So you, in a panic, pull the item out of the bag. She says "ITEM REMOVED FROM BAGGING AREA." Or you put your item in the bag, and it says "PLEASE PUT YOUR ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA" so you rattle it around and she repeats herself so you hit "skip bagging" and she loses her mind "UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA". So you get to find an attendant to fix this shit so you can move on.

The fact that I found this on a google image search so easily speaks volumes.

  *Other Languages. Everyone is different and this is mostly wonderful. It would be boring if we were all the same. There is a setting on some self checkouts that allows you to pick a language to use. Some of them will let you choose freely throughout the transactions (going from english to spanish to mandarin for example), others are set for the duration (you choose spanish, it's in spanish through the whole transaction). So if a customer chooses Mandarin as their language, I can't help them. Everything on the screen will be in Mandarin. You have to try to figure out which buttons are in the places things are when you can read the screen and hope for the best. You have no idea what is going wrong or what the customer needs. The customer will invariably just stare at you and expect you to fix it.

These all literally say, "can you read this." Just sit there for a moment and admire how pretty some of those characters are. Now imagine staring at a self checkout screen trying to figure out what is wrong and all you see is the 7th line down, which is Hindi by the way. Of course, I honestly have no idea what they all say. I'm trusting google translate on this one.

  *There is no such thing as a standard self checkout. Yeah. They are all different. They vary wildly from company to company. They might even vary from store to store. Customers usually don't understand this. They will stand there and bellow about how it's different at the Walmarts and why can't it be the same everywhere. Trust me, if the person running the self checkout had any power to influence the type of units there, they would not be running the self checkout. They hate it more than you do.

  *Things always go wrong. Every time they reprogram the units I get to figure out how they're going to break now. They might fix 1 bug, but 12 more pop up. Coupons used to freeze the terminals at my work. We're talking about full system restart frozen. One of the units I've worked with had a laser that would randomly cut off, be off for an hour or two, then come back on for a while, before arbitrarily shutting off again. The scales break--in the most infuriating ways. You could put a 40lb bag of bird seed on the scale and it wouldn't catch the weight, but god forbid you set your wallet down on the scale for a second and the machine loses its mind! This doesn't even touch on human error.

  *No one can listen to or follow directions. For every time a machine is legitimately broken, there are ten or more instances of users (customers and sometimes employees) having issues because they don't listen to the machine say "enter cash now or press pay with card". They want to pay with cash, but they don't listen OR read so they press "pay with card", then select cash again, to be told "enter cash now or press pay with card". Depending on how stupid the customer (or employee!!!) might be, they might go through this three or more times before they realize they're being stupid and just put their fucking money in, or they might go off on the attendant. Some of them see that first screen of "enter cash now or press pay with card" and will either snarl or wail at you "but I want to pay with cash!!!" I have been cussed out more times than I can remember over just this one thing.

  The place where you insert your credit card has an image of the credit card (or debit card) on the part where the card goes in. It shows you how your card is supposed to look. If there is a black stripe on the picture of the card on the right, that means your card goes in black stripe facing up and to the right. If it has numbers and words on it that have the text correct side up to the left, the card goes in with the number side up and the lettering facing to the left. THIS IS NOT HARD. We've been taught to match things since we were in kindergarten (or younger!) so why do people struggle with this? What, when confronted with the self checkout machines, makes people turn off their brains???

  Ok. For countries that don't have sales tax, disregard this one.
  When you scan an item, it tells you the price. If you scan multiple items it will tell you the subtotal. The screen says subtotal. It might even go so far as to say "price does not reflect sales tax" or "price shown is before sales tax". So, we get our customers who come in with their glasses on a string and their little change purse possibly pulled from their ever so hip fanny packs (or gods help you, a ziplock bag), and they very carefully count out exact change.

WONDERFUL. GOOD FOR YOU.

  They insert their "exact change" into the machine (maybe they even bypassed the dreaded "insert cash now or press pay with card" trap) and then stand there and stare at the attendant. They may even demand to know where their receipt is. Some of them will very angrily or petulantly say "EXCUSE ME! I PAID $11.07 AND IT'S NOT GIVING ME BACK MY CHANGE/RECEIPT!" When the attendant goes over to the machine, the machine will still read "balance due $0.66" and will still be saying "Please insert cash or press pay with card" every 15 seconds until the sun dims and the world is sucked into a black hole.

  At this point the customer is already upset and self righteous. You cannot win. They will either be initially embarrassed and then sheepish when you point out that they still owe the 66 cents of sales tax or they will be embarrassed and enraged, or they might just outright refuse to listen or understand. Then you get to try to politely convince the customer that they still owe the machine money while the person is convinced you are trying to steal 66 cents from them. Again, I have personally been cussed out in English, Spanish, and what I think was Korean over this. At times, I have been tempted to just GIVE THEM THE MONEY and put it in the machine to make them shut up. Even after I convince them (because the machine is not going to spit out a receipt until the items are FULLY paid for) I have to go over the receipt with them to reassure them that no, neither the store, the machine, nor I have stolen 66 cents from them. Sometimes, what has to be done, is for the money to all be refunded and it to go back to the original screen where I show them that it says "price does not reflect sales tax" and subtotal and then the final screen where it says the Total and even shows the 66 cents in fucking sales tax.

I would like to point out an interesting phenomenon at this moment about the self checkout machines:
  Children do not have these problems. Children under the age of 14 or so who are able to read and speak the same language as the machine is displaying/speaking are able to figure out how much to pay, how to pay, when to put items in the bagging area, how to input any information the machine needs, everything. Truly, children are our future--until they turn 15 or so.

  *The machine will not take nasty money. Sometimes this is as simple as a corner is folded over on one part of the bill and you can fix that by unfolding the corner and trying again. However, if the bill is torn, ripped, taped up, encrusted with candy or gods knows what, half missing, burned with a cigarette, sharpied to illegibility, FAKE, etc the machine will not accept it. I cannot make it accept it, the manager cannot make it accept it. A kind and benevolent god would know what you did with that money to make it so nasty and probably would accept it and maybe even forgive you, but you'd feel bad about yourself afterwards.

  If the money comes out of your sweaty stinky corn chip smelling sock soggy and almost dripping, DO NOT EVEN TRY to make it work. It isn't. Don't give it to me. I hate to say this, but you sir, need to go to a real register and hand that money to a real person. I am not a real person. I run self checkout. I turn in my humanity card when I clock in for work each day. This goes for wet money coming out of sweaty crotch and ass pockets. If it's soggy then it will not work. If it comes from your bra and you've been sweating and the money is a wee bit damp but still smells baby powder fresh, too bad. It will not work. Plus, this is really gross. Everyone who handles that money while it is damp is silently dying of horror inside.

  MONEY IS NASTY, PEOPLE. Don't put it in your mouth, wash your hands after touching it, and for gods sake, DO NOT LET YOUR INFANT HANDLE MONEY.

Things Customers Do
   *"I hate self checkout. I hate _insert store name here_. And I hate you." This has been said to me. Twice. By different people. Both were men though. No one likes self checkout. The attendant hates it more than any customer does.

  *Each customer wants either individual attention or for you to leave them the fuck alone. Yes, I am here to help, but you are not entitled to 100% of my attention if all 4 units are occupied and they also need help. I will help you through your spot of trouble, then I must help the others. If you don't want my help, that's fine. Unless you NEED my help. If you get stuck and cannot figure out what to do, or it needs my authorization, being rude and hostile at me is not going to erase the fact that you couldn't run the self checkout all by yourself. Grow up. Let me do my job.

  *Some customers expect you to drop whatever you are doing and ring their purchase up on a real register. Oh my god. Say "YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED SOMETHING TO DO!" one more time. I SWEAR TO KALI I WILL BE DELIVERED FROM THIS AND AVENGED. If you say this while my arms are overflowing with chips, candy, batteries, or sodas, you are a fucking douche bag. I have something to do. It's my job to make sure self checkout doesn't up and fucking break. This also goes for people who say this to regular cashiers on real registers. "Oh ha. ha. ha. You are SO clever sir!"

  *Customers who walk up to you without saying a word and shove a armful, basketful, or cartful of product at you expectantly. I usually just look at them like "huh?" (Never underestimate the power of acting stupid. It gets you into far less trouble than open defiance). Then, if they don't get the hint, I'll say, "Oh, Self Checkout Units 2 and 3 are open. Let me know if they give you any touble!" Big Smile!

  *Price Disputes. "How much is this?" *beep* "49.97". "No! It was cheaper than that. The sign said it was 9.99" right. Sure it was. I am going to call someone from that department to verify. I am *not* going to take your word for it. This does several things:
     1.) It keeps customers from lying and naming a price they like
     2.) Holds up one of the units, possibly creating a line (this is bad)
     3.) Stops someone from that department from working on whatever they were working on (also bad)
     4.) Ensures that if the customer was right, the price gets changed so this doesn't happen again. Mislabeling is not the customer's fault--I understand this because I buy things too. Prices go down for specials and the tags never get changed back. It happens. Sometimes, employees might accidentally stock something in the wrong slot. Again, not the customer's fault. But sometimes, people steal. Sometimes, people lie. Sometimes, people make an honest mistake and read the shelf wrong. It's not my job to judge them (and I really do try my best not to), it's my job to make sure they make it alive through self checkout.

  *Customers using the machines as price checkers holds up the flow of commerce. *Scans item* "Beep! 14.97" *Walks away*. It takes 6 steps to cancel the transaction and clear it for the next customer. DON'T DO THIS. Plus, if we are distracted by another customer, we have no way of knowing whether or not the person who scanned the item went on to walk out the door with it or not. Do you really want security following your progress through the store on the cameras? If you need a price, ASK. Or better yet, just read the fucking price label that goes with the goddamn item.

  *Let their kids play with the machines. Do you realize how much one of these things costs? Around $20,000 dollars each. Yeah. That's the equivalent of TWO nice used cars. Probably more than the attendant makes in a year (we are a degraded people). Don't think they can't hurt them. Those things already have a tenuous grip on functionality at the best of times. The slightest error sends them careening over the edge into "OUT OF ORDER" territory. Moreover, that line behind you? Yeah, they can't use that machine until the attendant clears whatever your spawn has done to this machine. You are wasting other peoples time. You are making their venture into this retail hellhole that much more unpleasant. Children are our future. You don't want to be the parent who's kid presses the self destruct button years down the line because you never taught kiddo to keep his or her hands to him/herself.

  *Steal. Yeah, you want me to go away. The machine is *weight sensitive*. Don't get angry when I come over there to see why the machine is flashing red. That's my job. Don't get angry when I count the number of items in your bag vs the number of items scanned. If you have an expensive looking watch in the bag but none of your items are ringing up more than $10, I'm going to know something is up. Why even bother stealing through self checkout anyway? Don't you have pockets or some shit? You are just making things awkward for me. Quit it.

  *Bring large items (i.e. couches, refridgerators, TVs) through self checkout. I hope you can pick that up because I sure can't. My particular store does not have a scan gun for self checkout. This means that your large item? That new mattress you just had to have? Yeah, it either has to be lifted up to the scanner to be scanned, or I have to manually type in the UPC. This wastes everyone's time. By the time I finish typing in the UPC, you could have already been out at your car trying to force this kingsize mattress on top of your kia sorrento. Go to a real register.

  *Bring overflowing buggies of product through self checkout like that's going to make their trip faster.  A lot of places that operate self checkouts have a ___ items or fewer sign over the self checkouts. This is for EVERYONES convenience. It is going to take you forever to scan each and every item. The self checkout bagging area is NOT large enough to accommodate all the shit you are buying. There are people waiting in line behind you with 2 or 3 things and they are looking at your cart with feelings of hate. So, even if the place does not have a item limit placed on the self checkouts, a good rule of thumb is 15 items MAXIMUM. 15 items is a lot of crap. It takes approximately 30-40 seconds to complete scanning each item through the self checkout. This includes waiting for it to register the item being bagged so you can scan the next one and finding the stupid barcode to scan in the first place. This does not include the time it takes to make the self checkout stop being insane over the item being or not being in the bagging area. This means it is taking you at least 8 minutes to check out with those 15 items. A regular cashier will do this so much faster for you (usually). So please, especially if you are in a hurry, consider how long it is going to take you to ring yourself up, and be considerate of the people who only have 1-2 things to ring up.

  *Write checks. Really???? REALLY??? What do you hope to do with that? I'd have to say everyone gets a pass at doing this ONCE. After it doesn't work the first time and your transaction is suspended and you are taken to the overseer's station (whatever they call it at that particular store) to finish your transaction, you should know better than to try writing another check for self checkout again. If you must write a check (for a REGULAR REGISTER), first, before you get in line, make sure you have the date, name of the store, and "for" line filled out. This way, by the time you get your total, half the check is already written. Second, do not get in the ___ items or fewer line. Everyone will hate you. Third, don't even DARE to try to write a check if you do not have a state issued drivers license or ID. You are wasting everyones time.

What the Attendant is Supposed to Do
  *Monitor multiple registers at once . I've seen up to six units to an attendant. I'm sure they're pushing the envelope though to force one person to do more and more work.
  *Make sure shit works. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Sometimes. I guess.
  *Make sure people pay for everything. I get to remind people to pay all the time. The ones who get angry about it are the dishonest ones. Yeah, you. Mr. Douchey McFuckface. I know you are only angry because it never was your intention to pay for those bananas.
  *Verify age. I know that in California they either are trying to, or have passed a law stating that alcoholic beverages cannot be sold at a self checkout. I don't live in California and I've never tried to ring alcohol up through a self checkout. The place I work does not sell alcohol so I have no idea if this is a widespread thing. I imagine cigarettes are thing that can't be bought at a self checkout. However, things like certain spray paints, machetes, glues, solvents, etc can be bought through self checkout and the self checkout will pause for the attendant to verify the age of the customer. I take special joy in asking the most venerable of customers if they are over the age of 18. I love the looks of incredulity they give me. Plus, it brightens some of their days. Then they can brag at the senior center or bingo or whatever it is old people do with their time that they got carded at the store.
  *Slowly die inside. Every day, just a little bit. You can only hear "unexpected item in the bagging area" so many times before your mind breaks. Sisyphus

And because Tamil is such a gorgeous language, here is
"Please place item in bagging area." according to google translate.

Kill Me Now. An Insiders Look at Retail

  This is going to be long. Bear with me. I have been working in retail for 8 years now. Some of it has been good, but everything grinds together after a while. Shit breaks down. Policies change for the worst. Benefits are cut, you get new bosses and suddenly, things just aren't any fun anymore. You realize that retail is miserable as hell.

  In fact, several years ago, a group of my friends and I came up with a rating scale.

  The Stages of Retail Worker:

Stage 1: Freshly Employed
Soul Tarnish: 0-2
  Congratulations! This might be your very first job! Or you might just be an optimist. I won't judge you if you are (much). Things are great. Everything is shiny and new, you follow policy and procedure to the line, when people ask you how you are, you respond that you are "excellent!" or "great!". You are happy to be there, and you are happy to help everyone. You want to learn everything. Working past your scheduled time? No problem!! Doing the unpopular jobs? You don't know they are yet or that they are being dumped on you! You want to help *every* customer to your fullest ability! People like this are *adorable*.

  Stage 2: Seasoned
Soul Tarnish: 3-5
  You've been working retail for a while and you know when you are going to face bullshit. You still do the unpleasant tasks in the hopes that someone in management will notice your talent and you will be promoted or get that raise and everything will be gravy once again. You know how everything is supposed to work, but you also know how it usually works and you can generally work around it. You still pick up extra time because hey, being dependable means that maybe one day, you will be in charge! You are starting to get annoyed at the fact that you are the only one doing the unpleasant tasks, but you still do them. You might be asked to train new employees at this stage. Because you aren't a horrible person (yet) you try to shelter them as much as possible from the things that sometimes go wrong and make sure you are on hand to demonstrate how to deal with problems as they arise. You still help customers and know most of the answers. Sometimes the customers frustrate you but you can handle it. Management knows they can depend on you to do the right thing. You got this.

 Stage 3: Worn Out
Soul Tarnish: 6-8
  You need this job. You do. Rent/mortgage is due every month and you have to be able to eat more than ramen eggs and peanut butter taquitos or you will die of scurvy. You are reluctant to work extra hours despite needing the money. You wonder if an extra $8 is really worth staying another hour. You try to get other people to do the unpleasant tasks by pretending that you don't notice they need to be done or "being too busy" or "forgetting". You might pawn it off on a Stage 1. If cornered, you will do the tasks, but you might do them shoddily, and you will be resentful the entire time. You might make comments about how much you hate this job. You might even start looking for a new job, knowing that it won't be any better than this one. And then you have to worry about setting up your health insurance again and maybe changing doctors. If you can even *get* health insurance. You might call out of work frequently because the thought of going in and dealing with that place another day is just too much to think about. You might legitimately get a migraine from dreading going in. It might make you sick to your stomach. Your immune system may be compromised and you might get genuinely ill frequently because you are miserable. You will still help new employees but only if asked. You tell them a lot of what can go wrong in an effort to warn them to abandon ship without scaring them too badly. Management hasn't noticed your hard work. You got a 10 cent raise. Everyone else gets to leave before you do because you are dependable. You only do what you are told to do and nothing else. You see customers as a hassle, and you respond to them based on how they approach you. You go home every day and swear that you are going to get a BETTER JOB. It almost never happens.

Stage 4: No Longer Care At All
Soul Tarnish: 9-10
  You've had it. You are just there for your paycheck. You do not care. Customer doesn't have a receipt? Too bad. Aren't any more on the shelf? "We don't have anymore." Management is hesitant to assign you tasks because even if you do them, the way you mutter and scowl while you do them leaves them in FEAR for their lives. Any new employees are carefully steered away from you so they don't pick up bad habits. If one is inadvertently placed near you, you tell them about the absolute nightmare working there is and give examples of exactly how bad things WILL BE. Customers might complain about your bad attitude, but it's impossible to please those fuckers, right? You didn't even get a raise this year because the company "can't afford it". They also can't afford to pay you unemployment, which is why you still have a job. Management might start subtly making things slowly more frustrating for you in hopes you'll quit.

Stage 5: What The Fuck Is This Shit?
Soul Tarnish: Beyond Tolerable Levels
  You have transcended emotions. Things might be tolerable. Everything could be ok, you've calmed down, maybe the other day you just had a bad moment. Then something happens and you spend an hour in the bathroom planning on exactly how many police officers are going to have to escort you out of the building. You are cynical, blunt, and lacking in tact. You do your job because it's easier than avoiding it. You've ceased complaining about those tasks everyone hates because no one is listening and you are going to wind up doing it anyway. You probably swear a lot. You may say "Are you SERIOUS???" knowing that yes, they are in fact serious. You help the customers because you realize that they are in the same boat, but you reserve a malicious glee in being deaf, stupid, or blind to deal with rude hostile customers. One of the most satisfying times of the day is when you get to lock the doors as a customer is coming up to the door and you pantomime that the store is closed. Too late. Too bad. So sad. We open at 6am tomorrow morning. See you then! You hate the customers that come in an hour before the store closes. You help new employees and feel responsible for them. So bright. So shiny. So untarnished. It's sad, but they'll learn. You don't usually want to try to find another job, because you know exactly how much you can get away with and exactly what is expected of you.

Fuck it. Just. Fuck it.

 So. What is so bad that can turn a happy intelligent person into a cynical sarcastic worn out dusty shell of a human being?


Well, in a word, Retail. We'll go into detail in installments.

These are the topics I plan to cover in this series of articles:

*Self Checkout is a simmering hellhole
*When Customer lose their shit and start fighting each other (break out the popcorn!)
*Sisyphus. When the repetitive gets to the point when you can't tell if it's asshole or breakfast time or maybe just Tuesday anymore. Parts One and Two.
*Children. They are our future so let's keep an eye on them, ok?
*The Rumor Mill
*The People In Charge (either don't care or don't have authority)
*Staffing and Hours
*Why is stuff never where it's supposed to be?!
*College Degrees and the black hole of retail. Hahahaha. Student loans? That's cute. Minimum wage!
*When Customers go Insane

So yeah. Retail is a big topic. Granted that my experience lies solely with the place *I* work. Maybe the world is a different better place from where I work.

Maybe I'm just too cynical and jaded.

Maybe I'm just terribly terribly sane.

Bunnyworm's Breakfast Couscous

  Breakfast in my home is always a challenge. You can only eat so much oatmeal or scrambled eggs before your family (and your own stomach) rebel, regardless of how creative you get. I have made al dente ramen and then scrambled an egg in the drained noodles for breakfast before. Omelets, dried fruit in the oatmeal. Quiche. You name it. It gets more wacky and creative the less eggs we have. We buy 2 1/2 dozen at least every two weeks. We go through canisters of oatmeal. We utterly devour grits (Bunnyworm likes pureed beets mixed in with her grits).

  Today, Daddybeast is off work so I wanted to make something nonstandard. I woke up and I started digging through my supercook account to see what I could make that looked even close to being breakfasty. I also added a new ingredient to my list: couscous. I bought some on special at my farmers market and I wanted to try it out. Since it was new I figured, hey, it's a grain. It'd probably make a pretty good breakfast. All the recipes I found on supercook though, were for dinner dishes. A lot of them made me drool. Curry Lamb and couscous? YES PLEASE. 

   But not for breakfast.

  So I hunted and dug around google. I love google. Yeah, they've sold us out to the NSA hardcore, but I still love them. Let's be perfectly honest here. Could most of us find ANYTHING online without google? Sure you could use yahoo or whatever other search engine, but when someone asks me to look something up online, they ask me to "google it". That's some big shit right there. That's like how we refer to adhesive medical strips as bandaids or the phrase "kodak moment" even though as of 2012, they aren't even making cameras anymore. Google might not have invented the search engine (That would be "Archie" which was made buy this guy) but it is certainly the first one that pops into my head.

  Anyhow, I digress.

  I pulled up several different recipes for couscous as a breakfast food. Ultimately, I went with the most basic recipe I found. It looked ok. I figured I'd go for it.

  However, it seemed a bit plain and I wanted to spruce it up, so I added vanilla extract, golden raisins and craisins.

raisins, golden raisins, and craisins in couscous

  Then I decided it needed some nuts. Pecans is what I had at the time.

Pecans

  And lastly, because everyone in my home is nuts about apples, I chopped up a gala apple and tossed it in.

  I cheat when I cut up apples. I have one of those apple coring/slicing tools my Gramma gave me right after Bunnyworm was born. It is one of the most useful tools in my kitchen. Wash apple, remove stem, set on cutting board, then bring that shit down. That gives you nice uniform apple wedges. Then I took my choppin' knife and I chopped those slices up till they looked like the picture to the left.

  Then I mixed everything up. It didn't look like it would be particularly good. It actually looked kinda nasty, but that's how breakfast foods look. Have you ever looked at a bowl of oatmeal and said "HOLY SHIT! I AM GOING TO EAT THE FUCK OUT OF THAT OATMEAL!"? No. Because it looks like grey souless lumpy matter. It looks like it comes predigested. At least this is colorful.

  Anyhow, I portioned it out into 3 bowls. One for me, one for Daddybeast, and one for Bunnyworm. While I was doing this I had 3 crying cats pawing at my legs begging me for wet catfood. Bjorn likes to sit right behind my legs so I trip over him when i turn around. Remember: cats are assholes.

  For a sweetener, you can use just about anything. The original recipe called for either honey or agave nectar. We used honey, but there is no reason why you couldn't use sugar, brown sugar, maple syrup (yum!), stevia, splenda (except the fact that artificial sweeteners are TERRIBLE for you), etfc. Each will marginally change the taste, but without a sweetener, this tastes really bland with occasional bursts of raisin or apple or whatever.


Here is my modified recipe:

2 cups milk (we used 2%)
1 cup couscous
1 tbsp vanilla extract
1/3 cup raisins
1/3 cup golden raisins
1/3 cup craisins (dried cranberries)
1/3 cup chopped pecans
1 medium gala apple, chopped
honey/other sweetener to taste

  First, put your milk in a pot and set it to high CAREFULLY because milk will burn. This should never boil. You just want to get the milk hot. When it starts to steam, reduce your heat all the way down to simmer.You *could* just let the milk go on medium heat, but I'm impatient and you would be too if you had a toddler screaming at you because she was hungry.

  Put your c/raisins in a bowl and pour some water over them and let them soak.

  Add your couscous, stirring to make sure it's all under the milk's surface. Go ahead and add your vanilla extract now. Cover it and let it cook for 5-6 minutes (mine took about 7 minutes to absorb all the milk).

  While the couscous is cooking, chop up your apple and your pecans if they aren't already chopped.

Bunnyworm's bowl, with honey drizzled over

  When the couscous has absorbed the milk, remove from heat. Drain your c/raisins and mix them, chopped pecans and apple slices in. Then you can decide which sweetener to use. I sweetened each person's food individually because Daddybeast is diabetic. I always let him choose what and how much to use. Bunnyworm and I used honey. Be careful you don't add too much. I found that 2 tbsp was enough for my adult portion. Bunnyworm likes things really sweet so she also got 2 tbsp (and sticky).

Homemade Laundry Detergent Part 2

  As previously detailed in Homemade Laundry Detergent Part 1, I made my own laundry detergent using 2 bars of laundry soaps (2 different brands), Borax, and washing soda bought from Publix. I paid $8.55 plus 6% sales tax ($.51) for all the materials and I have Borax and washing soda left over. I stored the resulting soap in a 5 gallon bucket ($2.60 plus $1.28 for the lid, so $3.88) I bought from Lowe's. The bucket is not even close to being particularly full (it actually looks pretty empty), plus I actually took some of it out and put it in a plastic 2 quart jar so we wouldn't have to haul that huge bucket to the laundromat. I suspect that if I took one of those party ice cream pails, washed it, and dried it, then I could use that to hold almost the entire batch.

  Considering that one is only supposed to use 1tbsp per laundry load (2 tbsp for especially filthy loads) this should supply me for quite some time. In fact, there are 64 tablespoons in a quart so that one little jar should do at least 138 loads, and there is enough detergent left in the bucket for maybe another jar (slightly more) so this batch will do 276 loads for just over $9. That is 3.3 cents a load!

  When I look at prices for the detergent I used to use, All Free & Clear Small & Mighty and the size (50 oz size), the price is much, much higher. In fact, by doing a google shopping search, I found that the concentrated detergent is on average, about $5 and will do 32 loads. That is 15.6 cents a load, 4.7 times the cost of my homemade concoction. The Mighty Pacs fared even worse. A package of 48 "pacs" was listed at $16. That is 33.3 cents a load, a solid 10 times more expensive, plus those things are absolutely deadly to children and pets. Last time I bought detergent, I bought the 150 oz bottle, which is listed at $10. It says it will do 100 loads. That is 10 cents a load and roughly 3 times more expensive than my detergent. That is still the best price on the store bought detergent.

  Now, I need to go off on a tangent about laundry detergents. That "load" number that they mention on the front of the bottle is usually a lot more loads than you are actually going to get out of the bottle. The measuring cup has numbers and lines on it, and I think when they say load they mean to the first line. Legally, it could be less. They have no reason to tell you what measurement they are going by so for all we know, a load could constitute of a teaspoon of soap with them knowing you are fixing to use half a cup for each load. If you do use a commercially produced liquid laundry detergent, try using half of what you normally use. If that still gets your clothes clean, try halving it again. Experiment and figure out exactly how much soap you need to get your clothes clean and ignore their measurement. You will save tons of money.

  Another good money saving tip, especially if you need something easily portable or cannot lift the larger containers, is to buy 1 small container initially, and then buy the larger container and keep refilling the smaller container. You will get the best possible price on the detergent and still be able to handle the bottle. Plus, when using the measuring cap for the smaller bottle with non concentrated soap, you will use closer to the appropriate amount of soap and it will stretch more.

  On Friday Daddybeast dutifully went to laundry a day late (he was supposed to do it Thursday, instead he did it before he went to work on Friday). Our coin laundry has changed policy recently and even though the dryers used to be "free" they are not anymore. That's a shame but the lady who owns the place was hemorrhaging money through the dryers and I can understand the need to pay bills. That just means we'll be shopping around for a possibly cheaper laundromat in the future. It's nothing personal, but our laundry bill just went up a good $10 at least and we need to cut costs however possible.

  Anyhow, He did 3 baskets of clothing of varying sizes. These baskets included jeans, khaki pants, towels, work polo shirts, cotton t shirts, baby clothes, cloth diapers, socks, bras, underwear, baby blankets, and a few stuffed animals in a rainbow of colors. Standard laundry fare, though usually we cram at least one more basket into the cobalt and get it all done at once. I asked him how much detergent he used per load and he said, "well you didn't give me a measuring spoon and I couldn't remember how much you said so I just guessed." He probably used about 6 washers and 1/3 the container is gone. I'm not terribly pleased about the wastage, but the clothes are clean and I still have more detergent so we'll take what we've got and run with it.

 So now that a few days have gone by and everyone has had a chance to wear the freshly washed clothing, I will detail the results under the following categories: Cleanliness, Texture, Smell, and Adverse Reactions. The testers are Daddybeast, Mommy (me!), Bunnyworm, Wafflecat, The Diva, and Bjorn.

  The first thing I observed about the clothing upon folding it the day after it was washed (I worked Friday and I was too exhausted to fold clothes after work) was that there was no residue on the clothing. I checked some of Daddybeasts work polos and there were no deodorant stains. Any standard food stains were successfully washed away (standard being things that do not typically stain). Bunnyworm's eating shirts were clean and free of most stains--she did eat blueberries one day and there are faint hints of purple from them. Still, that is why I dedicate a few shirts to her eating. They can get ruined while her other clothes stay nice, and even then, she only wears them in public or when it's cold. Otherwise we strip her down. I did not initially notice anything out of the ordinary on my clothing until this morning. I found a sliver of fells naptha soap on my shirt. I haven't been able to find any other slivers, so maybe that was a particularly large chunk from the load. The cats beds and the towel they sleep on occasionally came clean despite Wafflecat peeing on one of the beds and Bjorn throwing up on just about everything. All in all, I'm very satisfied with the cleanliness of the clothes after using the detergent.

  As I was folding the clothes I noted the texture or feel of the clothes. Most of my towels came out fluffy and soft, the exception being the aforementioned cat towel Bjorn horked up on. It was a gift from my Gramma. She basically handed me a stack of stiff rough bleachstained towels and said I could have them if I thought I could use them. My towels are much nicer than them, but I figured I could use them to clean up messes and dry the cats after their baths. Anyhow, the towel was stiff and nasty before I washed it, and it was still stiff afterwards so next time I wash it, I'm going to add some vinegar to the load to soften it up and get the detergent build up out of it (Gramma always uses "extra detergent for extra cleaning" which just makes the clothes crunchy and uncomfortable, but you do. not. tell. Gramma. how. to. do. laundry.) The bluejeans and khakis were smooth and felt normal. T shirts also felt normal, as did Daddybeast's work shirts. Socks were soft. Stuffed animals were intact and fluffy. Bras were soft and satiny just like they're supposed to be. So no problems with the texture of the clothing were caused by the detergent despite way too much detergent being used in each load.

  I have a very sensitive sense of smell and there are some smells that I cannot stand. Cat urine is one of them, as is left over deodorant smell. We had both of these in our laundry. The cat urine smell is gone from the cat bed (for now, until Wafflecat does it again). Daddybeast's work shirts had a very faint trace of his deodorant smell in them, but ultimately it was not strong enough to make me feel the clothes need to be washed again. In fact, the All detergent we have used in the past doesn't get the smell all the way out either. Only pretreating with vinegar seems to work. Other than that, the clothes smelled like tap water. It's different from the All free and clear, which has no smell at all. I don't dislike the smell I guess, but it isn't what I was expecting. I'm wondering if maybe next time I whip up a batch of soap I should add a bar of Dr. Bronner's Lavender Castile Soap and ditch the Fells Naptha bar. The castile soap is much more expensive (about $2 more) but if it makes the laundry smell better, by all means and I've used it on Bunnyworm in the past and it doesn't bother her. It's surprising because the zote soap I used has a very very strong lemony smell, but that smell doesn't make it through the wash. So ultimately, I wasn't impressed with the smell, but it wasn't offensive to me.

  Bunnyworm is allergic to Cheer brand laundry detergent (it's the brand the laundromat sells). My mother is allergic to Tide brand and I've never used it. Because Bunnyworm has shown a reaction to at least one laundry detergent, I was worried the homemade detergent would give her hives like the Cheer did. The first night she slept in and sweated in freshly laundered pajamas. The next day she wore the clothes all day long. Not one bump or red welt. The same has happened with me and Daddybeast. Bjorn has allergies (we aren't sure to what, but he always does better AFTER he has a bath) and it didn't bother him or any of the other cats. None of the clothing was discolored as far as I can tell. So, no adverse effects from using the detergent.

Overall, I have to say I am very pleased with the results of my homemade detergent. It got the clothes clean, they weren't crunchy and nasty (except the one thing that was already crunchy and nasty), there wasn't much of a smell, no one is allergic to it, and it didn't discolor my clothes. Now if I can train Daddybeast to use the proper amount of detergent, we will save tons of cash which was the point of this experiment.

Homemade Laundry Detergent Part 1

So. I name this "homemade laundry detergent part 1" in the optimistic hope that eventually there will be a part 2. Only time will tell.

Two weeks ago Daddybeast did laundry at the local (well, semi-local, it's a few miles away and there are others that are closer but I digress) laundromat. We live in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment. We don't have washer/dryer hookups and that's really not a big deal--we have a dishwasher. In my first apartment I did not have a dishwasher. I had a sink full of dirty dishes. I hate doing dishes. I hate doing dishes a lot.

Anyhow.

We don't have a washer/dryer because there's nowhere to put it and because of that, we go to the coin laundry that offers "free dryers" (fuck yeah!). Now, free dryers is relative. The owner basically looks at what washer you used and puts a certain number of quarters (there is a chart) in the dryer for the type of washer you used. It usually doesn't get the clothes all the way dry, but it helps and it's more than other places do. The place is pretty nice too. There are tables and chairs, those little laundry carts, folding tables, drink machine, food machine, 2 video games, and a bathroom. It's always awfully hot in there because of the dryers but in the winter it's not too bad.

Back to the Daddybeast. He did laundry last weekend and then came home and told me, "The next time you go with your mom to Sam's club, please get another big thing of All. We ran out and I had to use the cleaning vinegar to get some of the clothes clean. I know Bunnyworm is allergic to the stuff they sell there so I didn't get any of that." (Bunnyworm is allergic to Cheer brand laundry detergent). So yeah. The clothes were "clean" for a given value of clean. I discovered on Sunday just how clean the clothes were. There were 2 new pairs of blue jeans my mom had bought for me and they still reeked of the chemicals they process those things in. And I got a rash from wearing them and sweating in them at work all day. I did not have any issues with any of the other clothes (and the vinegar dissolved the deodorant stains on Daddybeast's work shirts).

I have seen a lot of recipes for laundry soap and some of them (the liquid ones in particular) looked like huge pains in the ass. I settled on this recipe from DIY Natural for my first attempt because 3 ingredients? I can do that.

Today I took my mom to Publix and since I was there I went ahead and got me some Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda 55oz ($3.19), 20 Mule Team Borax 76oz ($3.19), and a bar of Fells Naptha soap 5.5oz ($1.19). I already had a bar of White Zote Soap 14.1oz that I have had for years and I have no idea how much I paid for it (I bought a bunch years ago to wash my clothes in the bathtub--a NIGHTMARE).

So. I got my large cloth diaper washing bowl (I still wash those by hand most of the time) and my fine grater and I sat down and got to grating. And grating. And then? More grating. I probably will not be able to move either arm in the morning. That's a lot of grating. I've read of a method where you can zap the soap in the microwave and it makes it puffy then you can drop that mess in the blender. I've read that putting the bar in the freezer for a while makes it easier to grate. I didn't try either. I just sat there and grated the fells naptha bar first. The smell is strong, but the soap is pretty waxy so it comes off in chunky curly peels (make sure you use a fine grater--otherwise you might wind up with left over soap on your clothes--I've read of people complaining about this. If you don't have a fine grater, you can put one of the other dry ingredients and the soap in a blender and chop it finer to prevent chunky soap residue). It didn't give me or my asthma any trouble. I measured out my cup of Borax and my cup of Washing Soda and mixed it. It looked sad and alone. It wasn't much in the bottom of the large bowl.

I wish I'd just sat down and congratulated myself. I might not have strained my arms as much as I have. But I didn't leave well enough alone.

Oh no.

I grated the bar of Zote Soap.

It is NOT smooth and waxy. It is dry and powdery and if you breathe it, you will sneeze a lot. If you have asthma it might just give you an asthma attack. After two hits on my rescue inhaler, a shower, and snorting hot water in the shower to clear my sinuses (it hurt, but it worked) I was able to breathe again. So. Yeah. Wear a dust mask if your soap is dry. If in doubt, just wear a dust mask.

Also, there is a lot more zote soap in a bar than there is soap in a fells naptha bar. Almost 3 times as much. And the soap is harder so you get less scraped off with each pass. It took forever. Daddybeast would not get near the stuff. He walked into the room I was working in and said "holy crap that stuff smells strong" and walked out.

Wafflecat and The Diva and stupid Bjorn all walked up to see what I was doing (and maybe try to climb into the bowl). Wafflecat stopped dead about 3 feet from the bowl, squinted up his eyes, his ears went back, and he slunk away. The Diva sniffed the side of the bowl, sneezed, and walked away, foofy tail out and up *foof*. Stupid Bjorn tried to jump into the bowl (he is so stupid).

 Anyhow, I made the stuff. Thursday Daddybeast will go up to the coin laundry and we will see how this stuff works. He will probably go ahead and put vinegar in with the wash simply because that gets the deodorant smell out of the clothes (not to mention the cat pee smell out of anything Wafflecat decides to pee on. Damn cat pees on everything.)

So. Here is what I used to make my laundry detergent.

1 bar Fells Naptha Laundry Soap
1 bar White Zote Soap
4 cups Borax
4 cups Washing Soda

Grate the soap. Add the Borax and the Washing Soda, stir vigorously. You might want to blend or process the soap and a bit of the washing soda if you have large clumps of soap. It will make it very uniform. I didn't so I will have to make sure I stir the stuff before I use it.

Store this stuff in an airtight container. I used a 5 gallon bucket from Lowe's. It filled the bucket maybe 1/3 the way full so a 2 gallon bucket might work just as well. Another container that might work out is one of those party sized ice cream containers. In fact, next time we have one, I'm going to save it and wash it so we can store some of the detergent in it and we won't have to drag that 5 gallon bucket around.

As for using the detergent, from what I've read this stuff is really concentrated. 1 tbsp should be sufficient for most loads, with 2 or 3 tbsp for heavily soiled or very large loads. If you are concerned about using a dry detergent you can mix your tbsp or so with a warm glass of water to start it dissolving. If you are able to, let the washer start filling with water before you add your detergent and then add the clothes.

Adding vinegar to your wash would be done when you would normally add fabric softener. There is a place for the stuff in the washers at the laundromat but I usually just add it to the clothes before the start of the cycle (the washers lock after they start).

Anyhow, Thursday Daddybeast will be going to the coin laundry and testing out the detergent. I will hopefully follow up with a part 2 to discuss how well things go.

It's No Longer Just Bunnyworms and Wafflecats

We have had some additions to our family.

Diva and Bjorn

It was never my intention to have more furbabies. These guys were a surprise.

See, my brother rescued a cat two years or so ago. She was undernourished and all messed up, and has a BB lodged in her face just under her right eye. He named her Kelly. He patched her up and got her healthy. She's a really sweet cat. She's got fur like none I've ever really experienced. It's thick and chunky but it's not long, but longer than short. Then there is her round face. Her tail isn't foofy but it's got that same thick fur.

Kelly. I've always been partial to calico cats.

My brother is a bit slow (mentally handicapped) and he doesn't understand some things, and some things he understands wrong, but he loves animals and always has. He has had a cat named Melissa (she is NOT a nice cat. Not a nice cat at all.) for several years.

So he took in this bedraggled abandoned hurt kitty and fed her, loved her, bonded with her.

But he did not fix her. Nooooo he did not.

Oops

The first time I met Kelly, I asked him if she had been spayed and he said he was not sure because she was an adult when he found her (or she found him, which I think is more likely). He said he'd had her for over a year and she had never had a litter so he thought she had been. He was wrong. The second time I saw her (he was living at my grandmother's house at this point) she had that classic "swallowed a basketball" look that pregnant cats have. I told him, "Luis, your cat is pregnant." He disagreed with me. He said she was just fat because she ate all the time.

Now, I grew up with kittens and cats and dogs and rabbits and iguanas and snakes and birds and fish--you name it. My gramma always had a menagerie of animals--usually belonging to one of her 7 kids or her 11 grandchildren. Except Precious, the iguana (named after Gollum), whom she had back in the 90s. Precious was her baby. She loved and doted on that thing. Anyhow, I know when an animal is pregnant. I've been there for the birth of kittens. I've seen (and heard!) cats mating. Like I said, my gramma had all these animals belonging to everyone else at her house--people who didn't spay or neuter their pets.

I told him, "Luis, I can feel heads when I touch her belly." He told me they were parasites (in a way he was right. Hahahaha! Cats.) He told me she's gotten big like this several times before and then lost all the weight suddenly. Now, my theories as to what happened there are that she either raised litters of kittens in someone else's house (she's an indoor/outdoor cat), raised the kittens in the wild, had a miscarriage (she was in pretty rough health for a while), had kittens that were sickly and abandoned them (sad!), or that she had the kittens and that bitch Melissa killed them. Like I said, Melissa is NOT A NICE CAT. I've had the hardest time keeping her from mauling Bunnyworm. Anyhow, I told him that when the kittens were born, I had a home for one of the orange ones if there were any orange ones.

A friend of mine had wanted a fluffy orange kitten for the longest time. A little bit less than a month later I received a phone call from my brother telling me that Kelly had given birth to a litter of 6 kittens--3 gray, 2 orange, 1 black and white. I went up to my grammas right before Easter to see her and honestly, the kittens.

KITTIES!!!!!

He wasn't sure when they had been born but that they were about a week old. (They look older than that to me). Bunnyworm was thrilled to death about the kittens and we had to keep her away from them so she wouldn't hurt them.

About a month and a half later, Luis called me and told me, "They are ready, can you please come get them?"

Now, I was only planning on getting the fluffy orange one and taking it to my friend, but somehow I wound up taking ALL of them.

We planned on going up there to get them on both me and Daddybeast's day off from work. A day before that Luis called me crying hysterically. One of the kittens had gotten outside and gotten lost in the tall grass in the rain and had died. That was the black and white one, while another one had also gotten out but he'd managed to find that one (one of the orange ones).

So, we were going to pick up 5 kittens and Kelly, who I had insisted on taking so I could get her spayed. They were NOT HAPPY in the car for the hour we drove home.

We bought a wire kennel to keep the kittens in initially (we were not sure how Wafflecat was going to handle invaders plus Kelly had to stop nursing so we could get her spayed) and to keep Kelly in either while she was in heat so she would not sneak out, or after her surgery to keep her contained. That was where the kittens spent their first few days in my apartment.

From the left-female, male, male, female, male.

My friend came and picked up the fluffy orange one that night. She was so excited. I went out and I bought collars for the other 4 in different colors-Purple, Red, Blue, Pink so we could refer to the kittens by the color of their collar instead of naming them or trying to describe them. They were slowly let out into the bathroom where the kennel was initially, and then for short periods of time. Eventually we let them outside to see the back porch. Waffles was very interested in the kittens. The orange kittens (including the long haired one that showed interest in him before my friend came to get him) were they only ones not scared of him and Kelly would not let him near her or the kittens (it was very ugly).

Eventually, Waffles bonded with one of the kittens (Blue collar) who looked *JUST LIKE HIM*.

I should add that Waffles had been neutered about a year prior to this picture.

The matching collars were not a coincidence.

 A few days went passed and my friend gave me a call. She was allergic to the fluffy orange kitten and it was not working out. She couldn't breathe when he was around so she was going to have to bring him back. She brought him back and he was overjoyed to be reunited with his mom and siblings.

He did not have a collar for a while, then I got a green camouflage one for him.

Mothers day was approaching and Daddybeast offered me a choice. I could either have a Ninja kitchen system or the fluffy orange kitten that had been brought back. I chose the orange kitten and we named him Bjorn (bear). I still think I made the better choice.

One of Daddybeast's coworkers was looking to replace a cat she had just lost. I convinced her to take 2. She took the Pink collard gray girl and named her Shay, and the blue collard short haired orange boy (I liked his collar better than the green one, so I switched collars to Bjorn) whom she named Tigger.

So we were down to 3 kittens.

It was at this point that I noticed that Kelly was gaining weight and bulking up. She had not been outside at all since I'd brought her home and spent a lot of time hiding in my bathroom. She was pregnant again and i was not about to abort those kittens so we took her back to Luis. I was happy to see her go. She's a really sweet cat, but she hated Wafflecat and even though he was almost twice as big as her, he was terrified of her. She was constantly attacking and ambushing him and even cut up his face. Luis cried and cuddled her when we took her back. I informed him that he would need to talk to my mom about fixing her because after 2 months of taking care of 4 extra cats (and having to get Bjorn sorted out) I was not going to be able to afford to get her spayed.

I do not know what happened to that litter because I went back by there about a week ago and she was very pregnant. She might have miscarried. Either way, a new litter will be coming soon and I've already informed him that no one I know wants a cat.

Anyhow, with the departure of their mother (they were at least 3 months old by this point) they all became really needy and attached themselves to Wafflecat. He was pretty decent about it too. He got rough periodically, but ultimately he just wanted to play. Red (the gray and white boy) started trying to nurse on him and Bjorn followed suit. The purple kitten never did, but did hang out with him a lot.

Wafflecat is a BOY CAT

 Wafflecat and Bjorn get along very well. They spend a lot of time together.

Cat heart!

Wafflecat initially did not like Diva. Diva is an instigator and a troublemaker. She used to initiate play and then cry when she started to lose, then Kelly would come in and beat his ass. They've started to bond now that she's recovered from her spay.

Ain't nothing like a heap o' cats

Now, we wound up keeping Diva because well, I like her and she loves me (as much as a cat can love a person). She's Daddybeast's favorite too. We got Diva and Bjorn spayed and neutered using Project Catsnips. They did a fantastic job. They were fixed, got all their shots (rabies, 4 in 1, feline leukemia), both have been microchipped, dewormed, and we got 3 months of revolution per cat for fleas (not that they've ever had any). It set us back about $360. Very cheap.

As much as I loved Red we could not keep him. 4 cats is too much for a 1 bedroom apartment. Way too much. I asked around and even tried to persuade my mom to take him. He's a beautiful cat.

He is spotted. He's also got brown on his ears, face and a bit on his tummy. My guess is that someone in the neighborhood owned an unaltered male Bengal cat. Diva and Bjorn show signs of it too.

We took him back to my brother last week. Luis decided he is going to keep him and name him "Speedy". I am not fond of the name, but that's his decision. RED was the least socialized kitten so I spent the most time taming him. He was practically feral when I brought him home and he mauled me several times. He would hiss at me whenever I got close to him. By the time he left, he was sleeping next to me every chance he got. He does not like being picked up and probably never will, but he likes being close and he likes being petted and loved. Very sweet cat.

So yes, we have 2 new furbabies. Bjorn loves EVERYONE and will jump on your chest and lick you until your face is raw. He's a purrbeast. He's also got allergies and I bathe him once a week to keep those in check. He does not like it at all.

They all have tags like this.

Diva is the kind of cat that will reach up and trip you as you step over her. She's also very affectionate and might just turn into my favorite. She's also the smartest (Bjorn is the dumbest cat I have ever seen). She's also stunningly beautiful.

and she knows it.

Still, even with all of this sweetness and posing and cuddlyness, cats are still pretty evil.

We bite.

Making Ramen More Nutritious

I have a guilty secret. I am not particularly proud of it, but I love ramen. I love it. I have always loved it since my mom used to make it for me when I was sick as a kid. She always griped about how much of a pain in the ass it was to make.

No. Not really. I mean, boil water, add noodles, wait 3 minutes, turn off, add spice packet, serve.

How hard is that?!

And that's how she made it. I remember being like 10 years old or so and being indignant when I finally learned how to do it on my own.

Anyhow, I love ramen. I love the way the noodles feel in my mouth and the texture of a perfect al dente noodle. Hell, I'll even eat it dry if I'm bored and hungry enough. It's like chips!

And I love the ever so salty packets. So salty. So good. So terrible for me.

Anyhow, I have never had to eat ramen because that was all I had. And I'm fortunate for that. I'm grateful, because I imagine if I'd had to survive on ramen I'd probably hate it.

Unless it was done right.

My daughter, the Bunnyworm, loves ramen too. She says "want noodles? WANT NOODLES." She gets very insistent.

So yeah. Here's how I like to make ramen noodles.

First things first. You can put any number of frozen things in ramen, but you're going to want to let them sit out on the counter for a bit first. That's why the first step for cooking ramen is to get anything frozen out of the freezer and let it thaw while you get everything else together.

Frozen sweet peas

For frozen things, you can use just about anything. Peas are my favorite, but you could also do frozen corn, or carrots. Even frozen spinach. The nice thing about frozen vegetables is that they keep for a long time and they are CHEAP.

Here we have thinly sliced onion, chopped kale, shredded dried shitake mushroom and "green onion" which was really just part of the onion that started growing since I didn't have any green onion.

 Next you are going to want to chop up your ingredients. I used a mandolin slicer to obtain the super thin onion slices. For the dried mushrooms you *could* use a knife and risk cutting off a finger, but I prefer using kitchen shears. They work fabulously. I used a regular knife to cut up the kale, but in hindsight, the shears probably would have been easier. Same with the "green onions"

Hard boiled eggs, peeled

 We always have hard boiled eggs on standby for quick down n' dirty last minute meals. To avoid confusion with uncooked eggs, I always put a dry piece of yellow onion peel in the boiling water with the eggs. It stains the shells yellow or brown and makes it easy to know which ones are cooked and which ones will make a mess if you try to peel them.

Boil your water. I usually salt the water for pasta, but ramen doesn't really need it.

 You will need to use a large pot that will hold all of your ingredients to cook this. A small one is fine for just the noodles, but if you want a real meal, larger is better. More water does take a while to boil, so you can take advantage of the time to assemble the rest of your ingredients.

Maruchan Ramen. Probably every kid in the US has eaten this at least once.

 I prefer beef broth flavor. I absolutely loathe the chicken flavor. I'm not sure why, but it always makes me think of urine so I get the beef flavor, regardless of whether I'll be using the flavor packet or not.

Fish Sauce

 Fish sauce adds a nice subtle flavor to the ramen. You don't want to use too much though. It's pretty cheap where I live, but you might have trouble finding it in less ethnically diverse areas. You might even want to order it on amazon if you absolutely must have it. If you don't want to use it, it won't hurt anything.

Crushed red pepper is GOD in my home

 If you like spicy foods, crushed red pepper is a cheap way to add some heat to your ramen.

Ok, so you are going to add your frozen stuff, half or all of the onions (reserving some until the end gets a stronger onion flavor), the dried mushrooms, and the kale. You can also add in soy sauce at this point if you want. A nice real fermented (it will smell alcoholic) soy sauce does well and imparts a good flavor to the ramen. Shiro (white) Miso also works well in ramen. I wouldn't use both the soy sauce and the miso paste together--they're both made from soybeans and they're both salty.

I used this much fish sauce. You really don't want to do a lot. That's probably a little more than a tablespoon.

 Next, add in your ramen bricks. I put two in this batch.

 Add in the rest of your onion at this stage if you reserved any to impart a stronger onion-y flavor.

 Next add in your flavor packet if you are going to use it. I've found that bullion cubes mashed and mixed with white pepper, garlic powder, and ginger powder are at least slightly less questionable as far as weird ingredients go. If you are vegetarian than you can leave the packet and the bullion out--use miso paste and the white pepper, garlic powder, and ginger powder instead. The miso will add protein. 

The noodles should be just about done when you add in your flavor packet.

It's time to serve this sucker. I did an egg ramen this time. Eggs are also pretty cheap. You will want to add your garnishes now. For Bunnyworm I did just the green onions. For me, I did green onions and crushed red pepper.

This is Bunnyworm's bowl

My bowl.

Close up of my bowl.

Now then. There are several things you can add to ramen to make it delicious.

Meats-note, never boil the meats. It kills their flavor
Sliced cooked ham: Around easter and christmas and thanksgiving you can find hams pretty cheap. Usually about a dollar a pound. If you buy a ham, go ahead and cut it into meal size portions (a good reference is a slice the size of a single deck of cards per person). I wrap my portions in wax paper to separate them and prevent them from getting freezer burn. Then I toss all the portions in a freezer bag and freeze them. You just defrost them as you need them. I've found that they do get a little bit watery after being frozen, so I like to  slice and brown them in a pan before I add them to my ramen.
Chicken breast: Really, any left over chicken will work. If you buy a rotisserie chicken from the supermarket and have left overs, feel free to slice up some chicken in the ramen. It's pretty tasty!
Beef: We don't eat a lot of beef here because it's expensive and inflames my endometriosis, but it is a nice addition to ramen. If you have left over steak (hahahahahaha. as if such a thing could be possible) then you can slice it and then put it in the ramen. If you want to cook raw steak for the ramen, try cooking it with a bit of oil in the bottom of the pot you are going to use to make the ramen. The burned brown bits on the bottom of the pot will dissolve into the water and add a bit of nice flavor. Just take the meat out and set it aside while the ramen is cooking.
Fish: I haven't actually tried this. I've been told that a can of tuna mixed into ramen is pretty good, but it sounds unpleasant to me. I nice slice of pan fried catfish might go down a treat with the ramen. Or some nice salmon slices. Who knows?
Hotdogs: Oh poverty. I was once told that taco bell hotsauce packets and hotdogs mixed into ramen noodles tastes exactly like poverty. Apparently poverty is salty and a little bit spicy.
Sausage: Pan fry slices of sausage in the bottom of the pot you will be using to make the ramen. Like the beef, it will impart a bit of flavor.
Lunch meat: Just cut it into slices and serve with the ramen. I won't judge you.
Bonito flakes: These fried dried tuna flakes will impart a mild seafood taste. This is the only exception to the "do not boil rule". Boil these from the start to impart flavor. It will add flavor but it won't add any texture.

Vegetables-note that veggies might take longer to cook than the noodles, so take their cooking time into consideration.
Frozen Corn: cheap and adds a bit of a crunch to your ramen. Add before the noodles
Frozen Peas: cheap. Adds a vegetable to your ramen. Add before the noodles
Frozen Carrots: cheap, adds a source of beta carotene. Add before the noodles
Frozen Spinach:  cheap. WILL turn the water green, so you have been warned. Add before the noodles
Kale: super nutritious and delicious!
Wakame: Wakame is dried seaweed. It's very nutritious and almost flavorless.(there is a picture below)
Broccoli: If you chop it small and boil it first it's pretty good.
Garlic: The holiest of spices. I like to cut mine into "sails"--nice big broad flat slices. Add some at the beginning and some when you add the noodles to produce a strong flavor.
Bean Sprouts: Make a great garnish and add protein.
Green Onions: Another good garnish that adds a touch of flavor. Yummy flavor.
Peppers: Choose your favorite. From spicy thai peppers to sweet bell peppers. Add the flavor that suits you.
Fresh carrots: Fresh carrots can be nice. I like to cut mine into thin strips so they cook faster.

Sauces:
Fish Sauce: Add just a little of this
Soy Sauce: the "authentic" type is better and might be referred to as shoyu
Miso paste: I like shiro miso the best, but the red miso (Aka miso) has a stronger flavor
Sriracha: adds heat.
Chile and Garlic Sauce: adds a lot of heat. use sparingly. Great for head colds!

Spices: just about anything you want to add will work well if you leave out the flavor packet
Garlic Powder: I probably eat way too much of this.
Ginger Powder: useful for imparting an "asian" taste
Curry Powder: make curry ramen.
White pepper: very different from black pepper. Imparts a very nice asiany flavor. It's also one of the main ingredients in the ramen flavor packet
Chives: adds a nice flavor and is a nice garnish too
Onion Powder: or onion flakes
Crushed Red pepper: cheap way to add heat

Exotic additions: Chile and garlic paste, sriracha sauce, bonito flakes, wakame, and shiro miso. All of these have an excellent shelf life. The miso requires refrigeration, and the sriracha and chile garlic paste require refrigeration after opening.

Remember, have fun with your ramen! It's easy to customize and add things. Try different stuff. If one thing doesn't work, try something else.

Happy Ham-egg ramen for Daddybeast